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Saturday, October 03, 2009

In Hiding

Did you look outside last night?

For a long period during the past year or so, I've felt emotionally rejected, dejected, alone, and empty. No longer within a work force that I had known for 17+ years. No longer working with many people that I had worked with for the same period of time. When I was gone from that place, I was really, really gone. The friends that have stuck by me over this period of ups and downs, good and bad, light and dark, can be counted on three (yes, just three) fingers. Oh, when I encounter any of the others away from the comfortable and familiar work place, they're able to act appropriately under the circumstances. It would be altogether too much to totally ignore me.
Unfortunately, during that time I also felt rejected and abandoned by God. I didn't hear Him talking to me anymore. I didn't hear His voice in the breezes or see His face in the flowers and trees that I love so much outside. Songs of faith didn't move me. I didn't seem to be touched by any of the spiritual things that had once brought me to tears by the feelings of warmth, love, and security. I kept going to church, listening to lessons, and being surrounded by people who had and showed what I had once had but had lost. I knew God was there. I still believed. I just didn't think that I was important enough for Him to stand by me. It was much like when the sun comes up in the morning, you know that the moon and the stars are still out there somewhere, but out of your sight.
I don't know what the exact turning point was. I know it was one Sunday morning in church service. The topic of the sermon totally escapes me. Things turned around for me. I, at that moment, on that Sunday morning just a few weeks ago, realized that God had not rejected me but that I had rejected Him. I was hiding from everything that had once made me spiritually happy. Where I had been feeling like I had no reason to pray, I now could see that there were more reasons than I could count.Last night as I stood under that perfectly formed, brightly shining moon, I realized that within less time than it takes to draw a breath, God's face shines. All I had to do was open my eyes to see it. I had to be receptive to His message. I have lived for a very long time in the dark. Things are brighter. Even as I stood in the yard, brightened by only the glow of that full moon, I knew that I had never been rejected from the one that truly mattered.
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat,
saying, "We have defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because he has been so good to me.
Be blessed this day!


Angelia said...

I'm happy that you have found peace again, Mom.

Jessica said...

Beautiful thoughts beautifully written. I didn't know you were feeling quite like this - I knew some of it, of course, but not all - but I'm so glad that God fulfilled His promise and kept working on you even when you couldn't see Him. He's kind of a shadow writer sometimes, isn't He? Always working, even when no one sees Him and no one recognizes at the time that He's even doing anything....but He knows that His time will come. One day, we'll all see Him, so He keeps working. Every faithfully, ever diligently.

Thanks for the thoughts today. Since I missed church this morning, I needed a little faith note. =)